Hammer Time

Thor.  Written by Ashley Miller, Zack Stentz, et al. Directed by Kenneth Branagh.

Asgard “No Fail” Swedish Meatballs

Ingredients:

• 1 pound ground beef
• 1/2 pound ground pork
• 1/2 cup chopped onion
• 3/4 cup bread crumbs
• 1 egg
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1 tablespoon dried parsley
• 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 1 teaspoon pepper
• 1/4 cup vegetable oil
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon paprika
• 1 tablespoon salt
• 1 teaspoon pepper
• 2 cups boiling water
• 3/4 cup sour cream
   

By hand or on medium speed with an electric mixture, thoroughly blend the ground meat, filler, salt and pepper, and other flavorings. Beat until very well mixed. Form into balls about 3/4"-1 1/2"  in diameter: do this by hand, or use a tablespoon-sized cookie scoop, or a melon baller.  

To make the sauce: In a saucepan, combine oil, flour, paprika, 1 tablespoon salt, and 1 teaspoon pepper. Cook over medium heat until sizzling. Stir in hot water and sour cream until smooth and heated through.

When meatballs have cooked 30 minutes, pour sauce over the top, and return to the oven for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.

            While that’s in the oven, let’s take a few minutes to consider the latest superhero opus,  Kenneth Branagh’s Thor. Yes, you read that right: the guy who formerly cooked up literate delicacies like Henry V, Much Ado About Nothing and Hamlet has succumbed to the less-than-Shakespearean juggernaut of Marvel Comics, delivering a summer blockbuster more or less indistinguishable from something made by Tom Story or Joel Schumacher. Indeed, while Branagh the master thespian is capable of delivering the St. Crispin’s Day speech as good as anybody in the last century, he’s not as good at selling out as Jon Favreau (Iron Man). Whether this diminishes Branagh or exalts Favreau depends on how seriously you take your movies about guys in funny costumes.

            Having little interest in Thor comics growing up, my apologies for the cursory summary of the plot: Thor (Chris Hemsworth, last seen in a brief turn as Kirk’s father in the latest Star Trek movie) is the prince in the realm of Asgard, a cosmic empyrean which suggests a cross between a Laser Rock night at the planetarium and dinner at Medieval Times. Thor and his invincible hammer are an arrogant pair, so the prince gets exiled by his father Odin (Anthony Hopkins) to the galactic backwater of Earth. Amongst mortals like über-cute astrophysicist Jane (Natalie Portman), Thor learns the virtue of self-sacrifice, thus helping him in his battle against the nasty Ice Giants and his duplicitous brother, Loki (Tom Hiddleston). Along the way there are some rather listless battles, foot-dragging drama, and fish-out-of-water comedy that seems about as old hat as horned helmets.

            As nonsensical as these stories can be, they can be entertaining if they have the integrity of being true to themselves. Unfortunately, a work-by-committee like this (there are no fewer than five screenwriter/story credits) isn’t exactly cut out for visionary things. Asgard, for instance, is the kind of place where the technology exists to send people across the galaxy instantaneously—yet you still have to ride your horse to get to the teleportation chamber. Ask any baby boomer what Superman’s powers are, and he’ll reel them off with encyclopedic completeness; Thor’s powers, on the other hand, are left kind of hazy here (flying, throwing his trusty hammer, some kind of Viking judo skills…?).

            Hemsworth seems at first like a cut-rate Brad Pitt, but will likely fight another day. He’s actually quite funny in those scant moments when the orotund Thor gets cut down to mortal size. Portman, on the other hand, seems to have decided she’s reached the “Gwyneth Paltrow plateau”, when lovely actresses blessed with Oscars way too early in their careers feel they can afford to collect big paychecks for a while. You’d like to think that Hollywood is imagining heroines who have time to master astrophysics AND maintain perfect skin out of commitment to lofty feminist principle. More likely, though, the roles of the girl and the science are both seen as mere accessories, and best disposed of together.

            At one point, the hero explains to Jane that Asgard is a place where “magic and science are one in the same.” Unfortunately, in Thor the movie, the magic and science are “the same” only because both are absent.

            But there’s the buzzer from the oven…

Recipe makes 30-150 meatballs depending on how large they are.  Serves 6-8, more on the smorgasbord. These meatballs are great alone, but are also delicious poured over egg noodles.

© 2011 Nicholas Nicastro